I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m not wrong
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…