I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Who says great literature is dead?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*