The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
You Might Also Like
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Sounds like a bargain
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
S O O N
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out