Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free