In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
how high up are we talkin’?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.