I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Never forget.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.