A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.