urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids