{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024