Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.