[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that