I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
my first day as a raccoon
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.