(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.