“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once