An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.