I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
So we got a goldfish…
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.