My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
ok this is my dumbest yet
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Möther may I have a snäck
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?