What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
You Might Also Like
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Don’t touch that.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.