Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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