Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
this could fix me
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.