To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.