God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why