I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.