If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.