It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
You Might Also Like
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Please do it!
Spell check is for lasers.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”