Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
*exercises sarcastically*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.