my name if I was in the mob
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Well, shit
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”