Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
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Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.