According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
They’re on their honeymoon
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.