Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir