Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The funk soul brother
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
nyc:
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.