Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
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[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Ain’t no way
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.