This meal prepping shit easy
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
This is my pinned tweet
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Wait for it
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.