If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Oh, I bet you would be
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Storm Tropical Storm