business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.