superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I hate when that happens.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?