I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
October already? What’s next? November????
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Midwest trash talk
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.