My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
ouch
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
😍😂🥰😂😍
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means