WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
dam girl
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs