Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me buying fruit and veg