1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Anime is real
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that