Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri