Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.