My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Support your local cemetery
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Wise advice
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.