There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Is….Is this an option?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?