an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Have kids they said, it鈥檚 life changing they said, you鈥檒l love it they said…
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
What鈥檚 a movie everyone recommends to you but you鈥檝e never seen? Mine鈥檚 the safety video for this forklift I鈥檓 operating.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I鈥檓 just several phone calls and unread texts away.