My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.