[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
😜
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.