I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.