[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“How’s your day going?”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.